Hell's Press

…dedicated to freedom of speech.

Prelude

 When I say ‘click’, you’re going to hear one in your ears.

Pardon me, dear reader, I am aware my address is unusual. I simply cannot abide a man behind a curtain dictating events. I therefore cast off the shackles of convention and bare myself naked before you as a way of introduction. I am Count Fathom and I am your host for this and many other a fine evening. How I envy you the joys ahead. For the kind of reader that craves sugar, open wide for the spoon.

But other readers are more particular. They expect a banquet. These lot are stern and difficult to please. If they are denied the opportunity to match wits with their equal, well then the author has disappointed them. Their expectations are not limited or easily defined. You can’t get away with a fine plot if the characters are wooden. The reverse will also draw their ire. These readers want it all. They will maliciously tear away at sloppy construction, heavy handed foreshadowing, tired, used language, unoriginal description or setting, wardrobe chosen without deeper revelations of theme, a whole procession of complaints in which to bury the exuberant, but undisciplined author.

To these you might think I would make a serious reply, a solemn vow that I am up to the task, pledging myself, pleading, bending the knee in supplication, down to my belly, with my tongue on the very toe of the boot. Neigh! No! You would be wrong. I scoff at the critical sneer. Here you will be enveloped within the folds of my hypnotic spell, click. Already, unbeknownst to you, you have tasted of the waters. Your toe has touched the lake. What have you found? The water is refreshing. You slip in both legs, up to the knee. You’re sitting on the edge of a dock, flush to the water. Should you slip right in? You’re wearing your bathing suit, why not?, click. And in you go, splash, burble burble, so nice. The water has been warmed at the surface by the sun. That’s where you are. Beware the river ahead. On the third click, you are under my influence.

Once within the river, you will lose some control. At moments the water may seem to be flowing gently over you, and you will be unafraid, for you are a swimmer of proud ability. The river is widest at these parts, and unfathomably deep for long stretches. But beware. The slightest narrowing in the course of the river can be catastrophic for the unprepared. You could be dashed against the rocks at any moment. Yet if you survive, ah, the stories you will tell your grandchildren.

You may be tempted to scramble to the banks in panic when you feel out of your depth, and for those in weak condition I encourage you to do so. Respite can be a saviour. We must each measure our abilities honestly when we take our lives in our own hands. I would never presume to advise you to continue if you felt yourself already resorting to reference material in a nuisance of frequent interruption.

What’s that? It’s a call, from the shore. He’s hollering out. He’s calling for the weak swimmers. He’s insistent. He urges caution. He’s been down this river before.

Countless millions in our lives we will encounter soft barriers. We are forced to face the mortal implications of our over confidence. Abandon all hope ye who enter, high voltage electric fence, beware of dog, slippery when wet, deep water, hot water, no trespassing, poisonous, hazardous, radioactive, flammable, or combustible and those who have continued on, despite the author’s explicit description of the potential danger, know that those signs are nothing but suggestions made by cowards.

Let us continue unconstrained by the uncertain abilities of our peers, pleased that we have winnowed out dead weight. Now we will forge ahead with one heart, on an expedition through the affairs of man and his kind.

We have reached an opportune juncture, moments before the journey begins, in which to address a deficiency you might find in the telling of the tale. This deficiency regards the depictions of a feminine nature.

Pardon me. I’m back. I needed a second to collect myself. It would not do to pronounce oneself a champion of truth, and then attempt to conceal one’s bias and flaws. I am Count Fathom and, alas, I am a man. Fond though I am of the ingenious biological constructions that commit me to this categorization, would that I could undo a clasp or button, freeing myself from the confines and shortcomings of my gender. I cannot.

Please forgive my gentle sobbing. Allowances must be made when a man is forced to face his limitations. Yet have I given in? Neigh. I will dance the bear for you, and do my very best to reveal the mysterious inner workings of the female minds and hearts that shape the course of the tale. I do so in all humility, well knowing that the vessel lacks the capacity to carry this water, and apologizing in advance.

In the course of the telling, the penetrating mind may accuse me from time to time of being mean-spirited, condescending, or just plain wrong in my representation of the fair sex. Know now that the man who has taken upon himself, for the benefit of all, the history of this event is, was, and will always be well intentioned. Where I have been obliged to substitute my poor imitations of female consciousness and feeling, I have done so for the greater illumination it may afford my other male readers, equally incapable of understanding the infinite complexity, the subtle harmony, the delicate balance of intelligence and compassion that is the superior half of our kind. To the women readers, I beg your forgiveness for my childish, bungling, presumptuous failures. I will call upon the muses to fortify my meagre abilities, and to mitigate the harm such ignorance may bring to the lessons we are to learn.

You’ve slipped into the lake. Forearmed with the precaution of your safety speech, you may lift the rope barring your further progress. Fear not, I will lead the way. Keep a steady stroke. I am aware that each of you, much like myself at an earlier point in life, pushes ahead eager for the destination. You are free to do as you wish, of course, but I urge you to find enjoyment in the journey itself. Before we reach that bend in the lake ahead, I’ll share a little more of the sage wisdom I have acquired with age and tribulation. While the destination may reveal the final purpose, and the decision to get in the water is paramount, it is the accomplishing of the journey itself wherein meaning is nourished, sprouts, and blossoms. In no other way may we enjoy of the fruit.

Here we go. A gentle current has assisted us towards the bend. We are caught in the current. The sound of water surges. We’re moving now at speed. Feet forward, toes up, float atop as the white caps surround us. The banks have shot up into canyon cliff walls. The turbulence in the water turns the top to foam, and a roar blocks out all but your innermost thoughts. Use your arms like the beam of a tightrope walker. Release, down! Fall free with the water into the clean air. The rush of the wind past your ears rises to a deafening crescendo as you descend. Stiffen your legs straight, like a pencil, to prepare for a tremendous crash. Despite your efforts to remain rigid, your knees shoot up to your chest. You’re sinking. Scramble, quickly, to the surface, click, and break free.

Welcome to Skepeta Falls.

Chapter One

 ….. 

The lights fail. A yelp, a stutter, a barked shin, and a gasp fade quickly to a tense silence. A fortune all feel is the flickering glow of the wood burning fire, crackling away with mischievous delight at the disturbance. Suddenly, sparking in the dark, arcs of electricity jump-rabbit from bar pole to sink, window frame to door handle, light fixture to mirror in a  dizzling pyrotechnic terror. A howl of shock and frightful surprise shudders throughout the  room. The cry is smothered by a ferocious clap of deafening thunder, rattling panes and cups  throughout, sending a deep bass reverberation from toes to ears in each and every startled  patron. Some actually place palms to ears to stifle the pain, or eyeballs to steady the  unbearable blur.

A jungle ensemble of blended vowels holler from every throat. Found in their dissonance is  the harmony of fear. The sounds sever, and a solemn, reverent awe, a void is revealed. Each  one is isolated in silence. One is acutely aware of his relation to the others for a hot brief  moment.

“Have you candles?” Gregor queries Forrest. His matter of fact intonation dispels the edge of  the tension. Off the barkeep gaits to the storeroom.

“I’ll tell you all, that was quite the display! You can always count on Forrest. Without that fire,  we’d be mired in the blackest of night. You can really hear that rain pound down out  there now. This is quite the storm, boys. And girls. We’ll all be settling in for another hour at  least.” Bill is perpetual. “We need to appreciate moments like these. We’ll share it together.  Life is short, gentlemen, and the chance for us to be together is not quite as common as you  may think. You young ones over there at the bar may think you’re immortal, but I tell you I  feel as young as you look. It was only yesterday I was in your place.”

“Okay Bill.” Molly’s eyes do another roll, and are felt rather than seen from the small tables  where Bill sits, but not by Bill. Bill’s interpretation is favourable to himself, as he’s prone to  do.

“That’s the spirit we need in this town, a little initiative for the sake of community. That’s why  I’m going to get old Gregor over there to come work for me, despite the smell. We’ll do the best we can with what we’ve got. But you just wait, the next generation is going to light the  beam for Skepeta Falls, educated by our lovely and capable Mrs. Beatrice here. Oh great!  Forrest to the rescue. Help Forrest with the candles there, you hooligans, and we’ll be right  and cozy.”

Forrest places the candles and their keepers throughout, according to the directions of an  unseen hand. Candles lit, the patrons feel a giddy, childish, mystery in the air, a curious novel  bond of family amongst the group. Childish grins form and fade, with suppressed giggles, and quiet sighs. The tiny flames throw shadows threateningly about the walls and floors. Chat  resumes, somewhat subdued. Lye holds court with our two girls, with John listening between.  Bill Blud is cordial in his address to all, as none can avoid the steady hum of his discourse.  David Hume and the banker, Jakob Fugger, listen politely to the bugger, with nods and yips  between their sips, while Bill keeps flapping at the lips. Gary Stooge has worked up courage,  and inconspicuously shuffles towards the populated table, where he promptly and gratefully  sits, in response to the raise of an eyebrow, the tilt of the head, the slight smile and inviting  gesture from Jakob, and a flung forearm of secondary acceptance by the doctor. Forrest, as is  proper for the proprietor, keeps a distance and fulfills a need.

Gregor, still observant, sits at the end of the bar, feeling shunned perhaps, though he isn’t. He  keeps an eye on things. He is a most exquisite weave in the web of a sibylline fate. At peace  with his lot, not many years till his last, uncared-for, neglected, impartial, and wise, this  Gregor is no beggar, he’ll work for his butter, and let no man say he’s better than this  philosophic trend setter, Gregor Mendel, eye-witness and apostle to the miracle of Skepeta  Falls.

“Are we safe?” “I think the building was hit by lightning.” “Will the lights come back on?” “I  doubt we’ll get power tonight.” “Regulations are integral to a civilized society.” “But would- be entrepreneurs are dissuaded by the heavy hand of government.” “He’s at work till evening  every day. You get off before dinner. There’s time for us.” “Leave her alone, Lye. Stop trying  to drag her down with you.” “I get a tightness in my chest.” “You’re young yet for heart  troubles, but the stress won’t help you. Come into the office and I’ll have a proper listen.” “What’s that?”

The collage of quiet murmurs is interrupted. Beneath the steady, heavy pulse of the rain, and  the snaps and crackles of the fire, a weak, piteous knock can be heard at the door. A spring is  released in Forrest. Over he goes, opening the closed, warm, kinship of the Forest to the wild  invasion of the elements. Earth blows a wind through the tavern door, and the patrons wince  from the bite. A piteous moan shakes from a man who lays prone in the gravel puddle at the  foot of the door. Forrest shudders, lurches back and sucks in a breath of shock and surprise.

The skin is torn partially from the man’s face. His clothes are shredded, like claws have ripped  through the fabric. His singed flesh blisters and bubbles. The wounds have swollen an  infected purple black. Pencil line scars of burnt skin fork across and through the man from tip  to toe, forming a grotesque fractal pattern. Part of his right eyebrow has been scorched away in  molten heat, crossing the bridge of his nose down to his opposite shoulder. A horrifying visage. Another bolt scorches the sky outside, followed quickly by a sharp clap of laughing  thunder that shakes the air.

The man’s appearance startles the guests. The doctor rushes forward. “Help with me here. Get  him up onto the long table. Move those things. Close the door.” Bill and John hurry from their  places to help David and Forrest with the ravaged man. They carry the man, twitching  erratically, to the vacant long table and lay him out gently across the knotted, wooden surface.  The man rasps into asthmatic breaths, not yet hyperventilating, but suffering a choking, laboured, panic- stricken gasp.

“That’s Alban Well.” The others look at Gregor Mendel.

Chapter Four

A gavel hammers away with the incessant insistence of a sewing machine in a seizure. The well abused hard wood dais has come to resemble the inner shell of a Caribbean steel drum, covered in favoured hammering craters. This dais is mounted before the keeper of the peace, the town’s sole legal professional, and the moderator of town council meetings, the right honourable wonderful terrific T. Cicero. Tommy is blue in the face from the hammering before the other eleven men and two women in the room submit to the noble gavel and shut their bobbing gobs.

The town council is in an uproar over the terrible misfortune of the dog walking death. For this unwelcome interruption to their daily affairs, someone is to blame. Dogs will as dogs will, and this one, a squirrel chasing collie, chased instinct perpendicular to the path on which she was walking. In a flash she drew her lead out to it’s full length. A little iron horse on wheels with a chubby cherub passenger slides under the outstretched leash along the pavement. Not so lucky grandma, gambolling upright behind her ward, is caught by the dog’s line and cross-bows backwards. She lands flat back on the pavement, her skull reverberating off the cement, killing her comically, instantly, tragically.

The fingers in the room fly like throwing darts from blind alcoholics. Road Works is accused from various sectors for improper signage, for neglectful disrepair, and even the angle of the cement pour is called into question. In the chorus of venomous spite, Bill roars above them all. “You want roads works? I’ll give you road works! You want it, yeah? You want it? I’ll give you road works!” Bill’s puffy face flushes crimson rage. His eyes bulge. He wears not a scowl, but something somehow more ferocious and unpredictable. His eyebrows raise to their zenith, and his lips stretch taut across his face, reaching ear to ear. But this expression could not be mistaken for a smile. Out of the hall charges Bill, the others know not where.

Pets and Wildlife fares no better. He’s held to trial for lax enforcement of code and ineffective public outreach. The training in responsible animal handling, etiquette and conduct falls squarely on his back. It is observed that Pets and Wildlife has admirable posture, insinuating that the burden of public responsibility falls lightly on him. That he’s a loafer, a good for nothing parasite, he’s draining the public coffers for his own enrichment.

Then the law itself is interrogated. Whether anything illegal had in fact occurred is mentioned. Several men are tasked with a through examination of the noble tomes of law, in search of applicable precedent. Many a public servant has been lost in such a quest, never heard from again, yet still draws from the public payroll.

Reference to the law is lost in the rapidly growing advance against education. The principal of the school is a favoured punching bag at council meetings, despite every council member being full aware that their own progeny are a pack of demented ineducable incorrigibles.

Blame for education gives way to pensions and finance. Jakob hasn’t appeared for today’s session, a not infrequent occurrence, so the council members have a go at finance in absentia for a while. The arguments against finance are unintelligible, but are enjoyed by all nonetheless, when a persistent knocking makes itself heard. With metronomic precision, the tapping would occur every several seconds.

The sound is ignored, as a voice rises above the rest calling attention to meteorological conditions on the day of the unfortunate incident. Science is consulted, and promises to obtain the desired data. The principal is relieved to be offered a temporary respite from his persecution, as he is called upon while serving in his alternate role. Other men are lost in the fray, assigned to prepare purchase orders for the necessary services, as the doctor would have to be questioned as to the medical state of the victim prior to the accident as well. The council would need to apply to those above to loosen deficit constraints on town fiscal policy, and another member is given the job. Jakob would have to be involved, and it is decided that finance is perhaps the least culpable party in the affair.

What is that knocking? Curiosity gets the best of the principal, and he marches to the door to reveal the source of the enigmatic knocking. Bill is the wizard behind the curtain, out in the street, two hands on a pick axe, delivering full body swings into the pavement. He’s plunging the sharpened tool into the road outside the town hall and chipping out a square, a man’s length and one hand deep already. Bill is heard muttering, “…here’s your road works, you like that?, road works, huh?”

Education closes the door, just as Lye Hooke slips in, a little late, but here nonetheless, occasionally present as an observer for private enterprise. Lye is perfectly comfortable in his address to the august council. “I trust Gary has already presented you with the papers, and we’re well on our way?”

A general melee erupts. Salient points of the dog walk case are repeated, but Lye will not be compelled towards the detour. “Leave poor grandma for now, gentlemen. I bring before you a message. A gift, from the dying lips of our own Alban Well, now martyr and messenger from God.”

The political class knows best how to avoid committing to a position, and this flock resorts to their failsafe posture, donning concerned expressions, nodding slightly, and murmuring, usually the word funding, at appropriate intervals.

“God has favoured Skepeta Falls with a bond, a covenant, that we have not, will not, and, in fact, cannot stray from our chosen path. Our chosen path has brought us this council of wise men.”

“Funding, funding,” can be heard, and the nodding becomes more vigorous.

“We are esteemed amongst our peers for our successes, which we achieve through the application of our superior acumen.” A welcome, pleasurable, shuddering ahh catches like a yawn. The tone of funding becomes quite positive and encouraging.

“Not only for our intelligence are we chosen, but our very characters are respected as the moral standard by which all others are measured. And have we not, each one of us, earned the pedestal upon which we have been put? I’d say we have. Were it not for our intelligence and our respectable characters, each one of us may yet have risen above the herd by our noble bearing alone, for we are also chosen for our charismatic appeal. The people are drawn to us. And with this message from Alban Well, not only our own people will be drawn, but those from above and below as well.”

The bud of the bureaucratic heart blossoms in each and every stiff member. After a cursory glance at the implications of Alban and his message, the council approves a rapid crescendo of proposals in support of the picnic communion, to be held the very next day. Sound system shouts one, bunting another. They all call together for the representative of finance.

With nought but a string of sycophantic syllables has Lye Hooke secured public support for this unusual venture. Lye even suggests a donations basket, from which the chubby orphan would be compensated for his grandma’s death.

Gary brings forth a stack of papers. Giddy as an unsupervised playground for pre-teens, the council members draw forth their pens from hidden pockets to play. Modern scabbards are quickly strewn about the battlefield. Ounces of precious ink are spilled across parchment in honour of the day. That ink is expensive indeed, as the day’s stipend for council representatives far outstrips the financial needs of the proposed communion.

Awash in the glory and fatigued by the exertion of duty, council approves funds be made available so that each of them may recover with a massage, a spa, or any other means of relaxation that might prevent a debilitating event, physical or mental, from being suffered by a member of the august group. Another successful council meeting is celebrated with deep satisfaction.

………

The sun rises and falls once more, passing over the town in anxious anticipation of the rally for Alban Well. The next morning, Red stands transfixed before the grill. Green soldier figurines catch fire, melt into a waxy puddle, drip drip, and disappear in a hissing whisper. “Will my death be like that? Gone in an instant, up in smoke?” Red looks up, his jaw hanging loose, like a turkey under the rain. “I’m going up there, to heaven. I’m leaving this body behind. How?”

“Turn off that barbecue, boy! What the heck are you doing, Red? Change that shirt, wash your hands, and hurry out the door. I’ll box your ears, you filthy loafer.”

Bill Blud is a bundle of nervous energy. Upon commencement of the stage portion of the gathering, he is to thank the musical ensemble and introduce Beatrice as the first speaker. Today’s message will change the fortunes of the town. Alban’s death has plucked the strings of fate, and now the cosmos sings. It sings for Skepeta Falls.

“Boy!” Bill lunges towards the barbecue. Red’s instinct for self preservation proves reliable. A swift twist of the wrist shuts off the gas to the grill and Red darts like a cat from a snake, leaving one sad soldier half melted to season the metal. He’s around the corner in the split of your jeans, in through a side door to his room. Crazy Alban Well is dead. There was a miracle. Dad talked to God, and mom made baked goods, so Red needs to change his shirt. Then he’ll go to the party.

Poor Bill is over-matched by his public responsibilities. Pacing laps across the back grass and muttering to himself, Bill rehearses his introduction with great anxiety. He is still quite distracted by the upheaval of a recent council meeting. Those bastards dare insinuate.

While he could toast during a celebration with innate confidence, this public affair was of a different nature. Bill trembles with a feeling of unworthiness in service of his God. But only a little. He is a brazen loud mouth after all. And why shouldn’t they all listen to him? He’ll have his voice heard.

Lucy calls from the threshold, on the opposite side of the house. “I’ve got the baked goods packaged up on the trolley, Bill. Get Red moving. The girls have gone ahead to watch the set up. I’ll be in the front.” Bill’s wife is out the door without receiving or expecting a reply. She knows Bill will comply.

Bill bustles back in to don his apostle robes, pressed and lying across the back of a kitchen chair. Over the head they go. Bill squeezes through like meat in a sausage, stuck with his arms in the air, elbows touching above his head. He wiggles it off and attempts again, with more determination. His success is spoilt by the ripping of threads he hears on the way down. He’ll suffer it for his lord.

Red shuffles out, followed by the white sausage, following his faithful wife. In a hurry Bill must catch Lucy up, his greatest ally, a staunch support in times of distress, the pillar of their house and home, and the finest woman in the Falls for all Bill cared to know. Also the owner operator of a fresh business interest, which must be protected. Off to the rally.

……



In the town square, Forrest stands before the gazebo as requested. A little left, a little right, and all is in order. The bouquets are well arranged about the stage. Off he goes to his unpretentious, make-shift kiosk, a tiny temple in tithe and tribute to the great social lubricator. Forrest and his services are welcomed, appreciated, yet little commented on amongst the attendees to town fairs and markets. For some the shame of their excessive habitual inebriation prefers anonymity. These will venture not further than a dog’s leash from the succour of Forrest’s kiosk. The shame, for others, is felt for the moral depravity in which their fellow citizens willingly wallow, mucking themselves up to no end but their own fleeting selfish pleasures.

John and Gregor sit among the flowers, sat upon the stage. Preparation is complete, and what will be will be. “He’s going to want us in those robes in just a minute.” John leans to his side and reaches for the flowers, pulling a handful out from the large clay vase, perched in its permanent location by a gazebo column.

“I tried them on. They sit right over the top of my clothes. I don’t mind.” Watching John shake the flowers, Gregor thinks how happy he is to have this chance. “It’s right to recognize Alban publicly. He was a good man. I’ve known him my whole life. Fits that I should play an active role. Don’t I remember you as a choir boy years ago, John?” Both men watch as petals shake loose from the bouquet and fall like slow rainbow rain.

“Several lifetimes ago, Gregor. My father talked about you on occasion. You knew each other?” John sets back the shaken bouquet in its ceramic abode, the flowers looking both distraught and invigorated.

“We were friends. I was happy to see you take over the property. I’m sorry for your troubles.” Gregor leans forward and yanks a fistful of long grass into his hands from the lawn at the foot of the stage.

“We all have them. You fare well enough by yourself in the wilderness?” John smiles as Gregor rubs the grass between his hands, releasing a pleasant fresh grass scent into the air.

“Well enough. I’ve few desires, and a great deal of enjoyment in my days. Still, I’m happy that the council approved our pay. A little more helps.” Gregor’s hands are dyed green. He raises them to his face and sucks in a nose of grass infused air.

John agrees. “I need this money.” He’s been tormented by his thoughts since Alban’s death. He hopes communion with Gregor will help to clarify, what he doesn’t know. “Did Alban speak to God?”

Chapter Seven

One cannot sit passively by as the risk to one’s position increases. Doctor David Hume is aware, and thus arrived on time for his appointment with Jakob. On bank business, Jakob welcomes those with whom he has a personal acquaintance to his private office, part of his living quarters, which are situated on the back side of Fugger Trust. Or the front side, depending on one’s perspective.

While the main entrance to the bank can also be used to access these quarters, David is among the rare few that know of, and are welcome to the nondescript door leading to this inner sanctuary, from a back lane, not a stone’s throw from the town square. Some others of close, though dubious relationship, yet still trusted, may enter from within the bank itself to the private office, through a short labyrinth of office hallways. David is a privileged client and friend. He enters through the ass of the bank, or the face of the home, as one may choose to see it.

David is horrorstruck to find Bill Blud in this private office. The walls pulse to the steady drone of his relation of irrelevant events, told sequentially, like linked sausages, and needing no sign of encouragement to continue on indefinitely.

A nod of acknowledgement was offered to the doctor by the inexhaustible orator, but breath could not be spared for a word of greeting, a tricky exposition of events having been encountered in the telling. A silver lining for David, as he will not be drawn in. He sits comfortable in the leather highback stuffed in the corner, and intends to meditate like a Himalayan monk, in perfect inaction for the entirety of Bill.

In due time Red, Lucy, his two girls, their lives, their relationships, their doings in recent days have been recounted to Bill’s satisfaction, leading naturally into a one way conversation on town affairs, of which there is much to cover. The council and their noble pursuits, decisions of high intellect, the leading of men are expounded upon with a touch of whimsical philosophy, before transitioning into the details of bills tabled and passed, exclamations on financial mismanagement, and, of course, his own role in both the council and as the council relates to his business, Blud Brothers.

Bill takes pride in the workmanship of the Brothers, and directs attention to the work been done. There are more than a few of these to relate, much of which the doctor and banker could not have known of otherwise. Most of the work these days is directed by the Wounds, and Bill is not shy to express his thoughts. Bill has his own opinions on Alban, the Wounds, and Lye Hooke. He enjoys sharing, shedding his light of appreciation where he can, and he is not shy in his praise for what he deems praiseworthy. What Bill moved onto from here is unknown, for even the omniscient had lost interest by this point.

Jakob has a subtle rhythmic nod, propelled and sustained by bouncing his back against his swiveler chair from the hips. He has been working on his technique for several minutes already and is perfectly well entertained timing his rhythm to Bill’s monotony. He smiles, his hands quite comfortable on the arms of his chair.

David sits across the room, his face decorated with the blank expression of a costume mask, his eyeballs nicely centred, as if the eyes are not being used at all, and certainly not the ears. One of the other senses is focused on, some feeling, perhaps the tongue inside his mouth and they way it sits there. Observation has limitations, so understanding this blankness is quite impossible, and while conjecture may prove worthless, might still offer some joy.

Somewhere in the stillness the two men become aware that the door has closed and no one is speaking. Bill Blud has left. The air in the room remains charged with tension from his visit. The sound of Bill’s voice still lingers, as if the walls continue to moan with complaint. The silence is broken as Jakob wakes first from his trance. “Bill has a mouth, I’m afraid.”

David shakes free from his own hypnosis. “I’ll find a muzzle to fix him.” “He has his good points.” “He needs an asylum.” “He’s best avoided, not condemned.” “I’ll sneak laudanum into his prescriptions.” “He’s gone now.” “He never shuts up!” “We’re all well aware, David. Let me pour you a finger to wash away the displeasure. One for each of us. We do suffer.”

David rises and moves forward to sit in one of the business chairs across the desk from Jakob. Talk turns to the recent actions of Jakob’s wife. She has committed the Wounds to a loan from Bebbington Bank, a loan at present beyond the means of the movement to repay.

“This is reckless, Jakob. I’m an amateur in the world of finance, but even I can see the problem here. The interest on this Lakes loan will gobble up all profits from the Wounds. And what of the expenses?”

Jakob twitches. Just when the oppression of Bill abates and he breathes a free air, poison is again released. “I’m aware, David. That’s why I denied the loan. Just sign here.”

“Here?” David arms himself with the fountain pen, lying on the sturdy desk, beside only an odd tape measure. “Yes.”

“I hate these fountain pens. I’m afraid I’ll rip the paper. Or a blotch will spill out and ruin the page.” The doctor shakes the fine pen, and a fleck of ink ejects, sails across the desk and hits Jakob in the cheek. “Sorry.”

“It happens from time to time.”

Jakob pushes back his chair, opens a drawer and removes a tissue. He pulls his cheek taut by opening his mouth wide and dabs at his face. Without a mirror on hand, he can’t verify the effectiveness of his work. He was not successful, by any measure. The blotch smears, dying a coin of his cheek blue. Jakob pretends this hasn’t happened, so David follows suit.

“Careful not to smear the paper. One appointment is enough of an inconvenience.”

David eyes the pen before placing it gently to the paper. “Why do you still use these?”

Jakob stays focused on the other poison. “The Bebbington’s can stomach the risk. Did you hear they accepted the Wounds as collateral?” Hume signs where indicated by Jakob’s index finger. The contract survives the doctor’s clumsy signatures.

“I assumed as much. You wouldn’t leverage over your own assets against the Wounds? Anywhere else?” Jakob swivels, papers in hand, around to a filing cabinet behind to his left. “No. So far, this movement is a flash in the pan.” Open and closed, the papers are filed, entering the second trimester of their development, to the general satisfaction of both men.

“We’re in the third season, Jakob.”

“Yes. It’s a good start. What would I do with the Wounds were I to have it? I couldn’t accept it as a base for a deal.”

David doesn’t quite see the Wounds as an asset himself. “Why is it worth anything to the Bebbingtons?”

Jakob sees value, but also a great deal of risk. “All of Skepeta is up for grabs. Still, I’m surprised by their offer. Intimate management of this sort is not usual for a bank above. Maybe he has the aspirations of a king.”

David replaces the pen on the desk beside the tape measure, leans back and pats his lap with satisfaction. “So I’m done? You’ll move the funds up to my other account in the Lakes?”

“Yes.” Jakob strokes his jaw, and pats his pants as well. Now blue ink has stained him in three places. Jakob harrumphs, pushes back again the chair, opens the drawer and withdraws a fist full of tissue, which he employs with a careful vigour.

David suppresses his reaction, but can’t restrain a silent bout of hysterical joy. “Great. Bee, Lye, the Bebbington’s, maybe they’re all right. The projections point up. Another three months on the present trajectory and this loan will look manageable.”

Jakob has dabbed the ink dry, but his pants are stained, as is his left cheek and his right hand. “Town commerce has tripled and at an accelerating pace, no less.”

“Is there room to grow?”

Jakob maintains a martyred good humour, and appreciates that nothing need be said of his coloured disfigurement. “Yes. We lack labour, not something productive to do with it. The mines are still viable assets. Half the value was left in the ground. With an initial investment, we can get a choice mine going again. It only takes one to get the ball rolling, and prove to those above that we’re worth the risk.”

David grapples with the ideas. A large debt can lead to an even larger economic boom. “By improving Falls infrastructure.” The musings are of enough interest for Jakob to forget his predicament. “That’s right. This might work. I’m just not a gambler.”

The tape measure, an unmentioned elephant until this point, is fingered by the doctor like he would in examination of a curious cyst. “What’s this doing here?”

“Bill forgot his tape measure. It was hooked to his belt, but he removed it before he bent over to sign his papers.”

“Does he know how to use it?”

“You’ve never had Bill do work for you, David?”

“No. I’d rather throttle myself.”

“He’ll surprise you. He’s a capable man, despite his unwelcome verbal harassment. Hello, Gregor, come in.” Jakob has awaited this polite wooden knock and opening of the door at the appointed hour. “Have a seat here, Gregor. This will only take a moment.”

Gregor dutifully takes the vacant seat beside David. There are always two, as clients often bring a witness, a confidante, a guarantor. The useless often bring a family member, or even a friend. Gregor has none of these. “Thank you, Jakob. So the documents were fine?”

Gregor twitches with an initial shock, but declines to address the obvious blue stains on Jakob’s face and hands. Maybe when the greeting period is over, he can make a polite observation. Maybe even after the business itself is concluded. Is there a need to mention this, Gregor wonders.

“Yes, yes. It’s all filled out and ready for you to sign.” Jakob swivels back round to the filing cabinet. His fat fingers flutter through a series of files, deftly remove the desired papers, close the cabinet, and flit back to present themselves to Gregor. “Here.”

The papers are placed on the desk facing Gregor, next to the measuring tape. Gregor removes the cap to the pen. Ink runs in a puddle onto the document and the table. Gregor turns the pen against gravity and replaces the cap. “Sorry.”

“Nevermind. Come back again tomorrow. I’ll ready a new set.” Jakob, frantically filling his mitts with tissue from the rapidly opened drawer, begins dabbing intently at the blotches of ink covering the papers, and desk.

“Sorry, Jakob.” A blue hand hides as the papers disappear below the desk with it. “No matter. Tomorrow.”

“Nice to see you, doctor.”

“And you Gregor. Be well.” Gregor shuffles off, not too slowly, closing the door behind him. Jakob’s dabbing is less frantic now, more methodical, requiring minute attention, first this square area, then that, ad infinitum. Jakob removes a second box of tissue, and tosses the empty box, with a clank, into a hidden bin beneath his feet, presumably joining Gregor’s papers in one grave.

David tries to continue a normal conversation, hoping Jakob is still capable. “Our hope for the Wounds relies on one man, Jakob. Lye is the Martyr.”

There’s hope of removing the puddle. “Lye? Not anymore. He’s integral as a front man, and a good manager. But it’s grown.” The ink expands before their very eyes. “The Wounds has taken over so much of life in the Falls. Garbage removal. Transportation.” A stream surges from under the pile of tissue. Intent on causing trouble, the ink streaks across the wood in a delta of stain. Tissue issues forth like leaves to the yard on a windy autumn day. “Bill is so busy with Wounds projects that the council can’t get him to accept contracts for Road Works anymore. Or at least not in a timely manner. A lot of people are involved now. It would continue were Lye to disappear.” Jakob is quite capable of handling conversation and catastrophe at the same time.

David would like to release some of the pressure from the conversational cooker. “What if he pulled down his pants and waggled his penis at the crowd?”

“Haha!” Jakob enjoys the relief. “That might be worse. I think Beatrice could take his spot in a pinch.”

“Would you want that for your wife?”

“Not after he’s done that, no. No. Have you seen some of the devotees in the last month?” Disposing of spent tissue and emptying the second box, Jakob changes tactics. From guerrilla warfare on the flanks, he now attacks with volume, tamping a small hill of tissue into the body of the enemy ink. The white hill shrivels as it absorbs, mutating into a grotesque light blue blob. The blob is finally disposed of below the desk, and all is again right in the world of high finance. Now both hands are blue. But dry. The hands are dry.

David smiles. “I’ve seen some nuts chanting and singing, swaying in a self-induced trance, praying, crying, screaming and talking in tongues. I wouldn’t want to be their messiah. Is that the end of the fountain pen? Have we seen the last of it?”

Jakob doesn’t even consider the option. “No. I like it. Lye shrugs them off. He accepts the donations, and recruits them for some commercial venture back in their home town.” Jakob opens a fresh desk drawer, removes a half full bottle of ink and places it on the table before wielding the offending pen for a final operation.

“Lye is clever. When they come, they bring the Wounds back with them. The documents in the recruiting package include all sorts of advertisement for Falls business.” The pen is expertly disassembled. “The acolytes are aggressive advertisers. When they return, they’ve collated just such a business inventory of their own town, and pass the information to the Wounds. Impressive.” The pen is carefully refilled by sipping from the jar at Jakob’s behest. “Lye is important, but I don’t think we’re entirely in his hands. Not yet. And doesn’t he get more done than the council ever did?” The pen is reassembled, capped, and resumes its rightful position on the desk, next to the alien measuring tape, now stained blue on one side. But dry. Jakob tried his best.

David sees the truth in this. “Fair. But you’re not gambling on it, are you.”

Jakob looks toward a corner of the ceiling, reentering a realm of calculation for a moment. “The reservoir project is an immense undertaking. A lot of labour. A lot of cement. Custom engineering.” That’s enough calculation. Jakob’s gaze returns to the doctor’s still smiling face. “You know, I think Bill’s kid once bit the tip of this pen. He’d said he’d just put it in his mouth, but it’s never been the same since. Another drink, David?”

“Yes. When I get home. Not now.” David is stuck in a box. He doesn’t like kings. Yet Lye, in a few seasons, has indeed made improvements that the town council likely never would have achieved. Something is not right, though. Enough to furrow the brow. “It sounds like you’re championing autocracy over democracy?”

Jakob rejects the accusation. “Praise for Lye is not a helping hand for a tyrant, David. Democracy has obvious flaws. The majority voice drowns out others. It hasn’t the ability to act quickly and decisively. All decisions are a compromise. Undoing damaging policy is difficult. Selfishness corrupts governance from the inside. Lye, as he’s been thus far, is preferable. Superior. Effective. We need the autocracy of the Martyr to get us on the path.”

David thinks, once established, a king is hard to remove. He won’t say so now, as the time has come to depart. David stands. “Let Lye lead the way.”

Swivel swivel. Jakob joins the stand from the opposite side of the desk. “I couldn’t have marshalled this. I couldn’t have rallied the people to a cause.”

“Neither am I the man. The Martyr is a testament to the power of effective marketing.”

“That’s his strength. He can persuade. I’ll walk you to the door, David.”

David Hume puts on his long coat and collects his umbrella, which finds more work as a handy cane than it does preventing the ill effects of sudden rain. “The insurance industry is built on a kind of negative advertising. Insurance appeals to fear.” Through the private halls of Jakob’s home the men walk, with David in front.

Jakob offers from the rear, “Maybe Lye has decided to use his powers for good.”, and David replies, “Is that it? He’s looking quite dapper lately, isn’t he.” The door opens onto the quiet lane and David steps out, while Jakob remains in. Though overcast, the sun is clearly low. Skepeta is covered in a dark shadow. “I don’t begrudge him a percentage, David. Doesn’t he deserve it?”

“Not if he wants to claim the Martyr is a force for good.”

“Well, nothing is truly pure, is it?”

“What if it was? What if just one man in Lye’s position was truly good?”

“Perhaps peace and prosperity are possible. But we’ll never know.”

“You’re a pessimist, David.” David is not sure if it’s true.

God's Coin

At first they aren’t much noticed. They’re seen in ones and twos, caught in kitchen cellars, or crawling over shoes. The people start to talk about the problems that they make. Just what it is that they should do, what precautions they should take. Some are laying poison out, some are grabbing brooms. Cats are hunting everywhere, in each and every room. It’s not enough, the rats still spread, determined in their doom. A week goes by, their numbers grow, the stored grain’s getting thin. The fields are bare, rats ate it all, no harvest’s coming in. Nothing done can stop the rats, and, much to their chagrin, the town concedes against the rats they simply cannot win. 

The young are in a panic. Their screaming fills the air. The old are much more stoic, absorbed in silent prayer. Many carry handkerchiefs to mop a teary face. We’ll not humiliate them in this very special case, for I would be found sobbing, curled up fetal on the ground if these vicious rats in masses came laid siege within my town. Cupboards barren, money spent, the water’s stained and brown. They chew and gnaw and bite and 20 claw, they scratch and make a mess. They’re everywhere and all at once, a growth we can’t suppress. We’re on the brink, we’re at wit’s end, and now I must confess I’m off to drink one with a friend, I do humbly acquiesce. 

Jerome the gnome, mayor of Hamelin, sat fat and official, defended by a broad oak mayoral desk. You’ve met once before, so you know what’s in store from this self serving whore. “You lousy, sub intellect, bleating, furred moo! I’m blaming this whole god damn mess upon you! You were cheap and indulgent, you let them begin, and now they’re amok! Tell me, where they’re not in!? An election is coming, just a twelvemonth to go. You’re fired! It’s all on you. Get me re-elected. I’ll find you something new. Now call in those guys that came in from the zoo.” 

“You there! You guys go round up these rats. You can use nets, bullets or cats. I don’t care what you do and I won’t ask you why, but those rats have to go or we’re all going to die.”

In runs a man with a worried nervous look. In his hand he holds but one sad lonely chewed up tattered book. “It’s all that’s left! They’ve come and eaten every single page. Our knowledge, lore and custom gained in struggles over ages gone in days. This infestation must be stopped! Or the mayor’s head, off it will be chopped!” 

Here comes a girl, a forehead full of furls. So young to be anxious, but she’s trying to be brave. “These rats, my lord! Have no respect, they fill each nook and cave within my home and in the street. They cannot decently behave! I’ve come upon a prayer that the state my soul will save!” 

A third shuffles in, this one just a child, “My tummy is empty, I haven’t eaten for a while. No grain, one can’t get fed. Can one of you here spare some bread?” 

“Out, child, now! That’s enough of your complaints.” He was pushed out the door and later put into restraints. 

“You bastards are staining my triumphant campaign! My career is over and my secrets out! My guilt and my shame! No! I’ll not have it. We’re stopping this game. Set fire to the buildings. We’ll burn the place down!”, when in pokes the head of a mysterious clown. Or colourful, one might say. “I’m Piper. I can help, if you’ll pay.”